Redwing Center for Reduced Learning

Welcome to all students, parents, faculty, and internet lurkers.

Good morning! As I imagine the dull, uninterested faces in front of their monitors reading this, I can only be struck by the vast amounts of potential, forever locked away and subdued in order to live a life not constantly ridden by stress and yelling. A life where they may find themselves eating regularly, perhaps with a loved one. A life which may include a possible visit to a doctor or vet if the need arises. A life involving a moderate amount of physical labor, when required. You have all been told the sky is the limit, yet are perfectly content to simply view it from a comfortable distance. Perhaps with a beverage.

In the Ivory Towers of “accredited” learning institutions, young minds are told they can be anything they wish and are encouraged to do so. They are told to maximize their potential, to strive for excellence. That said, there are quite a number of excellent television shows and movies to watch as well. You can watch them anywhere now. You could go to the park and watch a movie on your tablet tomorrow. It’s quite relaxing, I highly recommend it. Tomorrow should be wonderful weather as well, perhaps some squirrels will be out then. Excellence will still be there when you come back.

More to the point, however, how much more excellence do we really need? We’ve gone to the moon and back over 50 years ago. We’ve invented hovercrafts and hands-free dryers. Do we really still need to work 8-10 hours a day just to keep things going? Why are our expectations still so high? Haven’t we earned a bit of a nap, as a species, by now?

Now, of course some of you will scoff and wander off to your prestige-laden universities instead, with their extraneous “walls” and “ceilings” and “floors.” But do you really -want- to be a rocket scientist? Wouldn’t you be perfectly content labeling samples for a pharmaceutical firm? Or taping boxes in a warehouse. It’s very likely where you’ll end up anyway, and the work has a wonderful Zen quality to it once you’ve resigned yourself fully. We’ll need some rocket scientists, of course, but certainly not all of you who wish to be.

That’s where we help. The Redwing School of Reduced Learning understands that through your life, your mind has been cluttered with a miasma of mostly-useless knowledge. If you understood what “miasma” meant, you’re precisely the type of person who I mean. If you didn’t understand it, then you’re already well on your way to what we can offer. Some of your useless knowledge may have always been useless, some of it may be newly useless due to changes in technology or culture. We’d like to replace it with Universally Useful ™ knowledge, something which will better you regardless of your career path. Or, if we want to be honest with ourselves, your occasional-job path.

With majors in Human Decency, Reasonable Expectations, Socializing In Analog Environments, and more, you may find yourself surprised by the end how much your quality of life will improve from things you never learned in “school” before. Complete three majors and receive your graduation shirt. You’ll pay for the shirt of course, we -are- a learning institution after all. Once we get past the entire “not legally recognized as a learning institution” red tape, we’ll see about mailing degrees as well.

Classes will start soon, however, so get ready to forget the knowledge you thought you needed when you were growing up. And prepare to wander aimlessly into the light that is Reduced Learning.

Or catch a movie. Either is perfectly fine.

Yours in Reduced Learning,

A Message From the Chancellor